Whose court is the ball actually in?

You know how sometimes you get so desperate and impatient for something to happen that you push and push and push hoping it will speed things along?
Maybe it's just me, i don't know.
But the end result of my pushing usually always turns out badly.
You'd think I would have learned from my mistakes by now, but sadly I have not.

In a perfect world this would be sorted out by now and things would be awesome.
Yeah...it's not a perfect world.
So instead here I sit in the backlash of my mistakes wondering how I can turn it back around in my favor.

I wanted so badly for things to work out that I forced myself on someone I haven't talked to in 4 years and I'm pretty sure all I did was freak him out. Go me.

Now I get to sit here and wait. Wait to see if me coming back was the right thing or if all he is doing is sitting there laughing at me saying, "Haha yeah right, like I would ever be friends with you again. Pyscho."

I've put myself out there and that was hard. Now there's no response and I have no idea if I'm being tested or if this really isn't going to work out.

Is the ball still in my court? Or does he having it dangling over my head like a guillotine ready to chop my head off? 

The Demise of My Words

Sometimes holding back what I need to say is for the best.
Does it mean I want to?
No.
Does it mean I like it?
Hell no.
But to spare people's feelings sometimes it's better.
I would much rather just avoid that fight.

But sitting there listening to the things she says about him and their situation makes me so angry i just want to grab her and shake and scream in her face "JUST SEND IN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!"
I know she would never listen to me though. No one does, even when all I want is what is going to be best for them in the long run.

He hit me twice. He headbutted her in the eye. They are still married. He lives across the country now as of last month. Doesn't that seem a bit twisted? Sure does to me.

I know the only reason she has not sent in the papers is because of the vow she made to God. Which I completely understand. But now they are living separate lives in separate states. They are free to see other people. Try to figure themselves out again. Even though, if they were to get back together it would be a loveless marriage. Sure they love each other. They were together over 4 years, but there is too much animosity between them now. Too much resentment. Too much anger. She's too free-spirited and hes too controlling. Even now he is still trying to tell her who she can and can't see. He wants to speak to her everyday like they are still together.

A recovering, abusive alcoholic. He went to rehab after he was arrested for hurting her and all he did was trade alcohol for pills. Then after rehab he traded it for other stuff. He needs a crutch or he can't stand on his own. She is one of his crutches. It's never ending. His attitude too. Oh man...hes prideful, competitive, has to be the best at everything, and has to prove himself to all the other men. Why? Who knows. Compensation, maybe.

I've only seen him twice since last November and in those times I have not seen a change in him. There is so much I know, so much I've seen that she knows nothing about or doesn't believe. I've seen the worst sides of the sober him. He is not good for her at all. I wish she could see that she deserves so much more than being stuck in a marriage without the actual marriage part. She's beautiful and amazing and she deserves a guy who will treat her like a queen. Let her be independent. Go hiking with her. Take care of her. She deserves all that and more.

But to save our friendship, I have to keep quiet even though that is the last thing I want to do.

And the worst part is that he is my fiance's best friend.