Manic.

Wake up, I'm okay.
Get dressed, I'm okay.
Drive to work, I'm okay.
Get to work, I'm okay.
Hour into work, suddenly not okay.
10 minutes later, even, less okay.

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Like a child's toy.
I'm suddenly very much not okay.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.

Don't be stupid.
Don't lose your cool.
Where did this come from?
Who will get the brunt of this sudden destructive anger?

I need to scream.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Where is a punching bag when I need one?

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Wait.
Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Suddenly it's going away.

Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Sigh in relief.
Its gone.

What the hell was that?
And why does it keep happening?

The Breakdown.

It finally happened.

I've hidden so much away inside myself.
I buried everything deep, deep, deep in the recesses of my mind.

But last night it all came barreling forward.
And I couldn't do anything about it.

I still feel it.
I'm confused as hell.
I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel.
There's too much to process.
It's all one big jumbled mess.
I don't even know where to begin.

And no one can help me but myself.

Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.