Death.

It happens.
Everyone dies.
We all know this.
We all expect this.
But it is not fun for those left behind.

It never gets easier.
For me, it's getting worse.
Dad died in August...
And now I cry at the drop of a hat.
I was ok before.
And now it's harder.

Thinking about all the things he will miss.
My wedding.
My nephew growing up.
My first child.

Death fucking sucks.

But if you're still here.
Than keep on living.
It's the only thing you can do.
Live the fuck out of your life.

Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.

Loss.

Losing a loved one.
Ouch.
Yea, it hurts, bad.
But the hardest part about losing someone you love is the aftermath.
It's the grief.
Learning to be without them.

I've learned though the loss of my dad that each day is different. And everyone involved reacts differently.
I've also learned that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.
Or make the pain go away.
You will never get over the loss.
But each day gets a little bit easier to handle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Whether it be a family member or a friend or a therapist, find someone to lean on when it gets too hard to handle on your own. You don't have to go it alone.

Stop dwelling on the fact that they aren't here anymore and start rejoicing in the amazing life they had lived and the amazing things they had done.
Focus on the good.
Don't beat yourself up.
Its not your fault.

Continue to love them and cherish them but live a life they would be proud of.
Put one foot in front of the other and start healing.
Be as strong as you can be.
And it's always ok to ask for help.
One day it will be better.
One day you will be ok.
One day.

Matthew.

It's been almost 5 years since I agreed to go out with you. It's been almost a year since I agreed to marry you.
This relationship has not been easy. Filled with high highs and low lows. Ups downs twists and turns.
Some things I know we wished wouldn't have happened but we can't change them now.
So much has happened that was designed to tear us apart....and yet here we are still together, still going strong.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, especially lately, but you are the one person in this world I know I can always count on.
You are the one person I can bare my heart and soul to.
You are the one person I can be completely honest with.
You are the one person who is always on my mind.
I'll always need you. I'll always need you by my side. I'll always need your shoulder to lean on. I'll always need your hand to hold. I'll always need your arms around me. I'll always need your words. I'll always need your ears to listen. I'll always need you.
I would never and could never replace you. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you are it for me. You are everything I need and always will be.
I know sometimes I don't show it and sometimes I'm mean and crazy, but I love you more than life itself.
I always have and I always will.
This year has been the hardest most painful year of my life. I could never have gotten this far without you. Theres so much emotion swirling through me that I can't sort any of it out. I act out. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't know how to handle what I'm going through. I need you by my side to help me though it. You help stabilize me. Sometimes haha.
When I said yes, I agreed to give you all of me, and I have. And that will never change. No matter what.
I love you.
Forever and always.

The Demise of My Words

Sometimes holding back what I need to say is for the best.
Does it mean I want to?
No.
Does it mean I like it?
Hell no.
But to spare people's feelings sometimes it's better.
I would much rather just avoid that fight.

But sitting there listening to the things she says about him and their situation makes me so angry i just want to grab her and shake and scream in her face "JUST SEND IN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!"
I know she would never listen to me though. No one does, even when all I want is what is going to be best for them in the long run.

He hit me twice. He headbutted her in the eye. They are still married. He lives across the country now as of last month. Doesn't that seem a bit twisted? Sure does to me.

I know the only reason she has not sent in the papers is because of the vow she made to God. Which I completely understand. But now they are living separate lives in separate states. They are free to see other people. Try to figure themselves out again. Even though, if they were to get back together it would be a loveless marriage. Sure they love each other. They were together over 4 years, but there is too much animosity between them now. Too much resentment. Too much anger. She's too free-spirited and hes too controlling. Even now he is still trying to tell her who she can and can't see. He wants to speak to her everyday like they are still together.

A recovering, abusive alcoholic. He went to rehab after he was arrested for hurting her and all he did was trade alcohol for pills. Then after rehab he traded it for other stuff. He needs a crutch or he can't stand on his own. She is one of his crutches. It's never ending. His attitude too. Oh man...hes prideful, competitive, has to be the best at everything, and has to prove himself to all the other men. Why? Who knows. Compensation, maybe.

I've only seen him twice since last November and in those times I have not seen a change in him. There is so much I know, so much I've seen that she knows nothing about or doesn't believe. I've seen the worst sides of the sober him. He is not good for her at all. I wish she could see that she deserves so much more than being stuck in a marriage without the actual marriage part. She's beautiful and amazing and she deserves a guy who will treat her like a queen. Let her be independent. Go hiking with her. Take care of her. She deserves all that and more.

But to save our friendship, I have to keep quiet even though that is the last thing I want to do.

And the worst part is that he is my fiance's best friend.

I'm not okay.

One thing I've noticed about grief is that everyone experiences it differently.
My dad passed away of liver failure on August 14th of this year.
My parents were married 27 years.
My mom and I are kind of the same in our grief. We carry it all inside because we don't want to burden people. But she still cries every night when she's alone.
My sister on the other hand had to take time off work because she kept breaking down at work.
I drink more than I used to. I don't get drunk every night or even once a month but I'll have a beer or two. I tear up at work almost everyday because I have too much time alone to think.
But I don't say this to people.
I don't tell them that thinking about my dad being gone I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe. I fill my days with too many distractions so I dint have to think.
I can never get anything done because I get too discouraged before the end of the project.
Except laundry, suddenly I've become very good at doing my laundry.
But how do I get over my grief?
Not really something anyone can answer...
Because you never get over it...eventually it just gets a little easier to get through each day.

Weddings.

I'm getting married.

It's a scary yet thrilling thought.

I have been thinking about my wedding since I was a little girl.

I had everything planned out. It was going to be huge and beautiful.

But now...

Everything has changed. A big wedding no longer seems important. And who the hell is going to walk me down the aisle???

With my dad gone all I want is the people closest to me there because no one else really matters. The wedding isn't for them. Its for me and Matt.

I'm going to disappoint a lot of people that want to be there but screw them I'm doing this the way I want with the people I want.

Not having my dad there to walk me down the aisle has discouraged me to a point where I just don't care about what people think about it anymore. Besides I'll have a reception for the rest if them.

But now planning it....that's an even harder topic to think about...I,know it needs to happen soon so we can plan a budget and save but...I'm still not,over the death of my dad...and every time I think about planning...I can't breathe...

Soon, hopefully soon, I'll be able to think about it without wanting to break down...

Because I love Matthew with all my heart and planning this day for us means the world to me.