Quiet Desperation

Searching.
Always searching.

It seems something is missing and it's right there at the tip of my fingers but it keeps slipping, slipping away.
My fingers must covered in butter because I can't hold on to anything. It. Whatever is missing.

Curiosity. Curious about everything. Interesting. Everything is so damn interesting.

Why can't I find what I'm searching for?
Why can't I figure out what I'm missing?

Everyday the desperation gets stronger and stronger.
Running. Barreling through me like a stampede. Crashing into the deep recesses of my mind. Tearing apart everything I do. Everything I think.

How can I stop it from ripping me apart from the inside out?

Neurotic.

Yep. That's me.
It amazes me how quickly my moods can change(it's no picnic for my fiance either, poor guy).
One minute I love every one and everything and life is amazing and then BAM!!!!
Next minute I literally want to punch everyone in the face.
Or cry.
Depends on the day. 
I'm crazy and neurotic. That's that. 
I always seem to come up the worst case scenario when I'm in the anger phase. My boyfriend is cheating on me. Someone committed suicide or got in a fatal accident. 
Or I just want to hug every one and tell them how much I love them. All these moods in me all the time flipping back and forth from one to the other in a matter of seconds. 
Let me tell you, it's exhausting. I feel like I ran a marathon, when in reality it was all in my head. 
And I have no idea how to stop it.
Am I bipolar? Maybe I'm just crazy....
Who knows, but...
What the hell is wrong with me?

Insanity.

I've gone insane. Or at least that's what it feels like. Nothing feels right or real anymore. I've become desperate for things I have no control over. My mind is constantly screaming at me that I'm an idiot. I don't deserve anyone or anything.  Or everything seems small and insignificant. Its like my brain has permanent pms. I don't know how to stop it. Its growing and growing. Its grabbed hold of my fragile mind and it's being twisted and transformed into something ugly and disgusting. I fear it will eat me whole.