The Breakdown.

It finally happened.

I've hidden so much away inside myself.
I buried everything deep, deep, deep in the recesses of my mind.

But last night it all came barreling forward.
And I couldn't do anything about it.

I still feel it.
I'm confused as hell.
I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel.
There's too much to process.
It's all one big jumbled mess.
I don't even know where to begin.

And no one can help me but myself.

Loss.

Losing a loved one.
Ouch.
Yea, it hurts, bad.
But the hardest part about losing someone you love is the aftermath.
It's the grief.
Learning to be without them.

I've learned though the loss of my dad that each day is different. And everyone involved reacts differently.
I've also learned that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.
Or make the pain go away.
You will never get over the loss.
But each day gets a little bit easier to handle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Whether it be a family member or a friend or a therapist, find someone to lean on when it gets too hard to handle on your own. You don't have to go it alone.

Stop dwelling on the fact that they aren't here anymore and start rejoicing in the amazing life they had lived and the amazing things they had done.
Focus on the good.
Don't beat yourself up.
Its not your fault.

Continue to love them and cherish them but live a life they would be proud of.
Put one foot in front of the other and start healing.
Be as strong as you can be.
And it's always ok to ask for help.
One day it will be better.
One day you will be ok.
One day.

I'm not okay.

One thing I've noticed about grief is that everyone experiences it differently.
My dad passed away of liver failure on August 14th of this year.
My parents were married 27 years.
My mom and I are kind of the same in our grief. We carry it all inside because we don't want to burden people. But she still cries every night when she's alone.
My sister on the other hand had to take time off work because she kept breaking down at work.
I drink more than I used to. I don't get drunk every night or even once a month but I'll have a beer or two. I tear up at work almost everyday because I have too much time alone to think.
But I don't say this to people.
I don't tell them that thinking about my dad being gone I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe. I fill my days with too many distractions so I dint have to think.
I can never get anything done because I get too discouraged before the end of the project.
Except laundry, suddenly I've become very good at doing my laundry.
But how do I get over my grief?
Not really something anyone can answer...
Because you never get over it...eventually it just gets a little easier to get through each day.

Insanity.

I've gone insane. Or at least that's what it feels like. Nothing feels right or real anymore. I've become desperate for things I have no control over. My mind is constantly screaming at me that I'm an idiot. I don't deserve anyone or anything.  Or everything seems small and insignificant. Its like my brain has permanent pms. I don't know how to stop it. Its growing and growing. Its grabbed hold of my fragile mind and it's being twisted and transformed into something ugly and disgusting. I fear it will eat me whole.