Life, Death and all the shit in between

In the beginning you're born. 

In the end you die.

And there's all this stuff in the middle.

Some good.

Some great.

Some not so good.

Some not great.

Learning how to deal with 

The good

The bad

The ugly

That's the challenge

Like how do I plan a wedding without my dad?

Or How do I afford to move out after the wedding?

Or how do I figure out what to do for the future?

Sometimes life likes to throw a whole bunch of bullshit our way...

And everyday is a struggle to keep above water.

To keep from drowning.

To keep from sinking to deep and you can never make it back to the top.

The bad thing is that there is no rule book.

Nothing to tell you how to take the bad with the good and come out ok.

And everyone is different.

You can't tell someone how to be ok.

If it works for you it doesn't mean it will work for them...

It's bullshit...

Death.

It happens.
Everyone dies.
We all know this.
We all expect this.
But it is not fun for those left behind.

It never gets easier.
For me, it's getting worse.
Dad died in August...
And now I cry at the drop of a hat.
I was ok before.
And now it's harder.

Thinking about all the things he will miss.
My wedding.
My nephew growing up.
My first child.

Death fucking sucks.

But if you're still here.
Than keep on living.
It's the only thing you can do.
Live the fuck out of your life.

Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.

I'm not okay.

One thing I've noticed about grief is that everyone experiences it differently.
My dad passed away of liver failure on August 14th of this year.
My parents were married 27 years.
My mom and I are kind of the same in our grief. We carry it all inside because we don't want to burden people. But she still cries every night when she's alone.
My sister on the other hand had to take time off work because she kept breaking down at work.
I drink more than I used to. I don't get drunk every night or even once a month but I'll have a beer or two. I tear up at work almost everyday because I have too much time alone to think.
But I don't say this to people.
I don't tell them that thinking about my dad being gone I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe. I fill my days with too many distractions so I dint have to think.
I can never get anything done because I get too discouraged before the end of the project.
Except laundry, suddenly I've become very good at doing my laundry.
But how do I get over my grief?
Not really something anyone can answer...
Because you never get over it...eventually it just gets a little easier to get through each day.