Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.

Matthew.

It's been almost 5 years since I agreed to go out with you. It's been almost a year since I agreed to marry you.
This relationship has not been easy. Filled with high highs and low lows. Ups downs twists and turns.
Some things I know we wished wouldn't have happened but we can't change them now.
So much has happened that was designed to tear us apart....and yet here we are still together, still going strong.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, especially lately, but you are the one person in this world I know I can always count on.
You are the one person I can bare my heart and soul to.
You are the one person I can be completely honest with.
You are the one person who is always on my mind.
I'll always need you. I'll always need you by my side. I'll always need your shoulder to lean on. I'll always need your hand to hold. I'll always need your arms around me. I'll always need your words. I'll always need your ears to listen. I'll always need you.
I would never and could never replace you. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you are it for me. You are everything I need and always will be.
I know sometimes I don't show it and sometimes I'm mean and crazy, but I love you more than life itself.
I always have and I always will.
This year has been the hardest most painful year of my life. I could never have gotten this far without you. Theres so much emotion swirling through me that I can't sort any of it out. I act out. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't know how to handle what I'm going through. I need you by my side to help me though it. You help stabilize me. Sometimes haha.
When I said yes, I agreed to give you all of me, and I have. And that will never change. No matter what.
I love you.
Forever and always.

Weddings.

I'm getting married.

It's a scary yet thrilling thought.

I have been thinking about my wedding since I was a little girl.

I had everything planned out. It was going to be huge and beautiful.

But now...

Everything has changed. A big wedding no longer seems important. And who the hell is going to walk me down the aisle???

With my dad gone all I want is the people closest to me there because no one else really matters. The wedding isn't for them. Its for me and Matt.

I'm going to disappoint a lot of people that want to be there but screw them I'm doing this the way I want with the people I want.

Not having my dad there to walk me down the aisle has discouraged me to a point where I just don't care about what people think about it anymore. Besides I'll have a reception for the rest if them.

But now planning it....that's an even harder topic to think about...I,know it needs to happen soon so we can plan a budget and save but...I'm still not,over the death of my dad...and every time I think about planning...I can't breathe...

Soon, hopefully soon, I'll be able to think about it without wanting to break down...

Because I love Matthew with all my heart and planning this day for us means the world to me.