Life, Death and all the shit in between

In the beginning you're born. 

In the end you die.

And there's all this stuff in the middle.

Some good.

Some great.

Some not so good.

Some not great.

Learning how to deal with 

The good

The bad

The ugly

That's the challenge

Like how do I plan a wedding without my dad?

Or How do I afford to move out after the wedding?

Or how do I figure out what to do for the future?

Sometimes life likes to throw a whole bunch of bullshit our way...

And everyday is a struggle to keep above water.

To keep from drowning.

To keep from sinking to deep and you can never make it back to the top.

The bad thing is that there is no rule book.

Nothing to tell you how to take the bad with the good and come out ok.

And everyone is different.

You can't tell someone how to be ok.

If it works for you it doesn't mean it will work for them...

It's bullshit...

Death.

It happens.
Everyone dies.
We all know this.
We all expect this.
But it is not fun for those left behind.

It never gets easier.
For me, it's getting worse.
Dad died in August...
And now I cry at the drop of a hat.
I was ok before.
And now it's harder.

Thinking about all the things he will miss.
My wedding.
My nephew growing up.
My first child.

Death fucking sucks.

But if you're still here.
Than keep on living.
It's the only thing you can do.
Live the fuck out of your life.

Matthew.

It's been almost 5 years since I agreed to go out with you. It's been almost a year since I agreed to marry you.
This relationship has not been easy. Filled with high highs and low lows. Ups downs twists and turns.
Some things I know we wished wouldn't have happened but we can't change them now.
So much has happened that was designed to tear us apart....and yet here we are still together, still going strong.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, especially lately, but you are the one person in this world I know I can always count on.
You are the one person I can bare my heart and soul to.
You are the one person I can be completely honest with.
You are the one person who is always on my mind.
I'll always need you. I'll always need you by my side. I'll always need your shoulder to lean on. I'll always need your hand to hold. I'll always need your arms around me. I'll always need your words. I'll always need your ears to listen. I'll always need you.
I would never and could never replace you. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you are it for me. You are everything I need and always will be.
I know sometimes I don't show it and sometimes I'm mean and crazy, but I love you more than life itself.
I always have and I always will.
This year has been the hardest most painful year of my life. I could never have gotten this far without you. Theres so much emotion swirling through me that I can't sort any of it out. I act out. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't know how to handle what I'm going through. I need you by my side to help me though it. You help stabilize me. Sometimes haha.
When I said yes, I agreed to give you all of me, and I have. And that will never change. No matter what.
I love you.
Forever and always.

Quarter Life Crisis

Yep. Pretty that's what I'm going though right now.
I'm 26. I work over 40 hours a week for just over $10 an hour. I make just enough money to cover my gas and monthly bills, with about $3 left over. I'm getting married next year and I would love to move into our own place. Right now we are staying at his parents house. But I can't afford it and he works construction, so some weeks he doesn't have work. I'm buying my car. That's about all I have to show for all the work I do.
Doesn't that just suck? I have no idea what I would like to do with my life. I didn't finish college because it got too expensive and now I have student loans I can't pay for.
I'm stuck. In a rut. With no way out.
I need to figure out what my ladder is so I climb out of this successful.

Weddings.

I'm getting married.

It's a scary yet thrilling thought.

I have been thinking about my wedding since I was a little girl.

I had everything planned out. It was going to be huge and beautiful.

But now...

Everything has changed. A big wedding no longer seems important. And who the hell is going to walk me down the aisle???

With my dad gone all I want is the people closest to me there because no one else really matters. The wedding isn't for them. Its for me and Matt.

I'm going to disappoint a lot of people that want to be there but screw them I'm doing this the way I want with the people I want.

Not having my dad there to walk me down the aisle has discouraged me to a point where I just don't care about what people think about it anymore. Besides I'll have a reception for the rest if them.

But now planning it....that's an even harder topic to think about...I,know it needs to happen soon so we can plan a budget and save but...I'm still not,over the death of my dad...and every time I think about planning...I can't breathe...

Soon, hopefully soon, I'll be able to think about it without wanting to break down...

Because I love Matthew with all my heart and planning this day for us means the world to me.