Moving Forward

Most days I'm ok.
Most days it doesn't bother me.
Most days I don't think about it.
Then there was today,
Today I wasn't ok.
Today it bothered me.
Today I thought about it.
And the music.
The music.
Every song.
Every single song.
Pure torture.
Today I was reminded.
I was reminded of how desperately sad I am.
Sadness.
It creeps in.
Slowly.
Like a crawling storm.
Then it hits.
Hard.
It pours and terrorizes.
Rips, shreds, explodes.
Then it's gone.
And you're left to sort through the destruction.
Hoping you can figure everything out before the next storm.
Or maybe some days you can leave the mess.
Pick it up later.
Some days maybe the mess is just too hard to sort through.
Maybe, just maybe you can move forward without figuring anything out.
Maybe just move forward.

Manic.

Wake up, I'm okay.
Get dressed, I'm okay.
Drive to work, I'm okay.
Get to work, I'm okay.
Hour into work, suddenly not okay.
10 minutes later, even, less okay.

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Like a child's toy.
I'm suddenly very much not okay.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.

Don't be stupid.
Don't lose your cool.
Where did this come from?
Who will get the brunt of this sudden destructive anger?

I need to scream.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Where is a punching bag when I need one?

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Wait.
Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Suddenly it's going away.

Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Sigh in relief.
Its gone.

What the hell was that?
And why does it keep happening?

The Breakdown.

It finally happened.

I've hidden so much away inside myself.
I buried everything deep, deep, deep in the recesses of my mind.

But last night it all came barreling forward.
And I couldn't do anything about it.

I still feel it.
I'm confused as hell.
I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel.
There's too much to process.
It's all one big jumbled mess.
I don't even know where to begin.

And no one can help me but myself.

Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.

Loss.

Losing a loved one.
Ouch.
Yea, it hurts, bad.
But the hardest part about losing someone you love is the aftermath.
It's the grief.
Learning to be without them.

I've learned though the loss of my dad that each day is different. And everyone involved reacts differently.
I've also learned that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.
Or make the pain go away.
You will never get over the loss.
But each day gets a little bit easier to handle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Whether it be a family member or a friend or a therapist, find someone to lean on when it gets too hard to handle on your own. You don't have to go it alone.

Stop dwelling on the fact that they aren't here anymore and start rejoicing in the amazing life they had lived and the amazing things they had done.
Focus on the good.
Don't beat yourself up.
Its not your fault.

Continue to love them and cherish them but live a life they would be proud of.
Put one foot in front of the other and start healing.
Be as strong as you can be.
And it's always ok to ask for help.
One day it will be better.
One day you will be ok.
One day.

Shit. Fuck. Damn it.

"Speak when angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" -Ambrose.

Anger.
To me, it's all consuming.
I don't just get me I immediately fly into a full on rage.
Its uncontrollable.
I want to hit things.
Hit someone's jaw.
Break shit.

I see red.
Like a bull in a China shop.
Everything is in my way and can be destroyed.
Fuck with me when I'm angry and you'll regret it.
Or I will.
I do dumb shit when I'm pissed.
I do before I think.
I break before I think.
I scream before I think.
My actions and words work before my brain has a chance to catch up.

When I'm angry, everything makes me infuriated.
Immediately.
All I want to do is scream, yell, destroy.
Scream out every curse word until I lose my voice.
And I have no idea how to stop it...

Life.

There are so many self-help books on the subject.
But none of them can really prepare you for when something bad happens.
None of them can prepare you for your specific reaction.
Or your specific feelings.

Some people, when something bad happens, they get so down on themselves.
They tear themselves down.
They go straight to the negative.
They forget to loom at the good things that happen everyday.
They forget that we are given these trials because we can handle them.
We can.
We can get past them.
We can and we will move on to bigger and better things.
But no one will ever get to those bigger and better things if you sit there rolling in the negative.
It will hold you back.

You may not be okay now but daily you are given okay things to remind you that in the end everything will always be alright.
Just believe in yourself.