Loss.

Losing a loved one.
Ouch.
Yea, it hurts, bad.
But the hardest part about losing someone you love is the aftermath.
It's the grief.
Learning to be without them.

I've learned though the loss of my dad that each day is different. And everyone involved reacts differently.
I've also learned that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.
Or make the pain go away.
You will never get over the loss.
But each day gets a little bit easier to handle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Whether it be a family member or a friend or a therapist, find someone to lean on when it gets too hard to handle on your own. You don't have to go it alone.

Stop dwelling on the fact that they aren't here anymore and start rejoicing in the amazing life they had lived and the amazing things they had done.
Focus on the good.
Don't beat yourself up.
Its not your fault.

Continue to love them and cherish them but live a life they would be proud of.
Put one foot in front of the other and start healing.
Be as strong as you can be.
And it's always ok to ask for help.
One day it will be better.
One day you will be ok.
One day.

Shit. Fuck. Damn it.

"Speak when angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" -Ambrose.

Anger.
To me, it's all consuming.
I don't just get me I immediately fly into a full on rage.
Its uncontrollable.
I want to hit things.
Hit someone's jaw.
Break shit.

I see red.
Like a bull in a China shop.
Everything is in my way and can be destroyed.
Fuck with me when I'm angry and you'll regret it.
Or I will.
I do dumb shit when I'm pissed.
I do before I think.
I break before I think.
I scream before I think.
My actions and words work before my brain has a chance to catch up.

When I'm angry, everything makes me infuriated.
Immediately.
All I want to do is scream, yell, destroy.
Scream out every curse word until I lose my voice.
And I have no idea how to stop it...

Life.

There are so many self-help books on the subject.
But none of them can really prepare you for when something bad happens.
None of them can prepare you for your specific reaction.
Or your specific feelings.

Some people, when something bad happens, they get so down on themselves.
They tear themselves down.
They go straight to the negative.
They forget to loom at the good things that happen everyday.
They forget that we are given these trials because we can handle them.
We can.
We can get past them.
We can and we will move on to bigger and better things.
But no one will ever get to those bigger and better things if you sit there rolling in the negative.
It will hold you back.

You may not be okay now but daily you are given okay things to remind you that in the end everything will always be alright.
Just believe in yourself.

Quiet Desperation

Searching.
Always searching.

It seems something is missing and it's right there at the tip of my fingers but it keeps slipping, slipping away.
My fingers must covered in butter because I can't hold on to anything. It. Whatever is missing.

Curiosity. Curious about everything. Interesting. Everything is so damn interesting.

Why can't I find what I'm searching for?
Why can't I figure out what I'm missing?

Everyday the desperation gets stronger and stronger.
Running. Barreling through me like a stampede. Crashing into the deep recesses of my mind. Tearing apart everything I do. Everything I think.

How can I stop it from ripping me apart from the inside out?

Matthew.

It's been almost 5 years since I agreed to go out with you. It's been almost a year since I agreed to marry you.
This relationship has not been easy. Filled with high highs and low lows. Ups downs twists and turns.
Some things I know we wished wouldn't have happened but we can't change them now.
So much has happened that was designed to tear us apart....and yet here we are still together, still going strong.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, especially lately, but you are the one person in this world I know I can always count on.
You are the one person I can bare my heart and soul to.
You are the one person I can be completely honest with.
You are the one person who is always on my mind.
I'll always need you. I'll always need you by my side. I'll always need your shoulder to lean on. I'll always need your hand to hold. I'll always need your arms around me. I'll always need your words. I'll always need your ears to listen. I'll always need you.
I would never and could never replace you. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you are it for me. You are everything I need and always will be.
I know sometimes I don't show it and sometimes I'm mean and crazy, but I love you more than life itself.
I always have and I always will.
This year has been the hardest most painful year of my life. I could never have gotten this far without you. Theres so much emotion swirling through me that I can't sort any of it out. I act out. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't know how to handle what I'm going through. I need you by my side to help me though it. You help stabilize me. Sometimes haha.
When I said yes, I agreed to give you all of me, and I have. And that will never change. No matter what.
I love you.
Forever and always.

Down the Rabbit Hole.

Worthless.
Pathectic.
Not enough.
Nothing...

At least half the time that's exactly how I feel about myself lately...

There are moments of happiness followed by moments of self doubt.
The more I try to build myself the harder it becomes to stay that high.
Constanlty being knocked down.
I'm plagued by horrible thoughts and doubt and regrets.
It seems nothing can keep my up.
I'm spiraling further and further down.
So much weight on my shoulders.
A million pounds.
I'm trapped under it.

I love my fiance and my friends and,I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are there for me when I need them.
And yet it doesn't seem like it's enough.

I can't get out.

Neurotic.

Yep. That's me.
It amazes me how quickly my moods can change(it's no picnic for my fiance either, poor guy).
One minute I love every one and everything and life is amazing and then BAM!!!!
Next minute I literally want to punch everyone in the face.
Or cry.
Depends on the day. 
I'm crazy and neurotic. That's that. 
I always seem to come up the worst case scenario when I'm in the anger phase. My boyfriend is cheating on me. Someone committed suicide or got in a fatal accident. 
Or I just want to hug every one and tell them how much I love them. All these moods in me all the time flipping back and forth from one to the other in a matter of seconds. 
Let me tell you, it's exhausting. I feel like I ran a marathon, when in reality it was all in my head. 
And I have no idea how to stop it.
Am I bipolar? Maybe I'm just crazy....
Who knows, but...
What the hell is wrong with me?