Life, Death and all the shit in between

In the beginning you're born. 

In the end you die.

And there's all this stuff in the middle.

Some good.

Some great.

Some not so good.

Some not great.

Learning how to deal with 

The good

The bad

The ugly

That's the challenge

Like how do I plan a wedding without my dad?

Or How do I afford to move out after the wedding?

Or how do I figure out what to do for the future?

Sometimes life likes to throw a whole bunch of bullshit our way...

And everyday is a struggle to keep above water.

To keep from drowning.

To keep from sinking to deep and you can never make it back to the top.

The bad thing is that there is no rule book.

Nothing to tell you how to take the bad with the good and come out ok.

And everyone is different.

You can't tell someone how to be ok.

If it works for you it doesn't mean it will work for them...

It's bullshit...

Death.

It happens.
Everyone dies.
We all know this.
We all expect this.
But it is not fun for those left behind.

It never gets easier.
For me, it's getting worse.
Dad died in August...
And now I cry at the drop of a hat.
I was ok before.
And now it's harder.

Thinking about all the things he will miss.
My wedding.
My nephew growing up.
My first child.

Death fucking sucks.

But if you're still here.
Than keep on living.
It's the only thing you can do.
Live the fuck out of your life.

Moving Forward

Most days I'm ok.
Most days it doesn't bother me.
Most days I don't think about it.
Then there was today,
Today I wasn't ok.
Today it bothered me.
Today I thought about it.
And the music.
The music.
Every song.
Every single song.
Pure torture.
Today I was reminded.
I was reminded of how desperately sad I am.
Sadness.
It creeps in.
Slowly.
Like a crawling storm.
Then it hits.
Hard.
It pours and terrorizes.
Rips, shreds, explodes.
Then it's gone.
And you're left to sort through the destruction.
Hoping you can figure everything out before the next storm.
Or maybe some days you can leave the mess.
Pick it up later.
Some days maybe the mess is just too hard to sort through.
Maybe, just maybe you can move forward without figuring anything out.
Maybe just move forward.

Manic.

Wake up, I'm okay.
Get dressed, I'm okay.
Drive to work, I'm okay.
Get to work, I'm okay.
Hour into work, suddenly not okay.
10 minutes later, even, less okay.

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Like a child's toy.
I'm suddenly very much not okay.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.

Don't be stupid.
Don't lose your cool.
Where did this come from?
Who will get the brunt of this sudden destructive anger?

I need to scream.
Wind up, wind up, wind up.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Where is a punching bag when I need one?

Wind up, wind up, wind up.
Wait.
Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Suddenly it's going away.

Wind down, wind down, wind down.
Sigh in relief.
Its gone.

What the hell was that?
And why does it keep happening?

The Breakdown.

It finally happened.

I've hidden so much away inside myself.
I buried everything deep, deep, deep in the recesses of my mind.

But last night it all came barreling forward.
And I couldn't do anything about it.

I still feel it.
I'm confused as hell.
I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel.
There's too much to process.
It's all one big jumbled mess.
I don't even know where to begin.

And no one can help me but myself.

Life Resolutions.

For so long I've just been coasting through life. Working dead end jobs. Dropping out of college because I couldn't afford it. I've been mostly okay with it.
Until now.

Since my dad passed away in August I've been restless.
I'm no longer happy just coasting.
I want to do so much more with my life and myself.

This is going to be an exciting year for me. I'm getting married in September and hopefully moving out of his parents house.
I love Matthew more then anything and I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I want more then that for us. I want an exciting job that I am happy to get up for everyday. I want to see things and places I've never seen before.
On my deathbed I want to be able to small for all the things I've done and seen and accomplished.
I want to leave my mark on this world.
Even if it's a small mark that only a couple people get something from.

I want to live a life my dad would be proud. One he could brag about.
He's not here to share it with me but I know he's in heaven watching over me.

This year is going to be the start of something amazing.
This isn't a new years resolution, this is a life resolution.
I'm going to start taking baby steps to having the life I want and deserve.

There will never be a day that I don't miss my dad and want him here, this is my way of living everyday for him because he can't.

Loss.

Losing a loved one.
Ouch.
Yea, it hurts, bad.
But the hardest part about losing someone you love is the aftermath.
It's the grief.
Learning to be without them.

I've learned though the loss of my dad that each day is different. And everyone involved reacts differently.
I've also learned that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.
Or make the pain go away.
You will never get over the loss.
But each day gets a little bit easier to handle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Whether it be a family member or a friend or a therapist, find someone to lean on when it gets too hard to handle on your own. You don't have to go it alone.

Stop dwelling on the fact that they aren't here anymore and start rejoicing in the amazing life they had lived and the amazing things they had done.
Focus on the good.
Don't beat yourself up.
Its not your fault.

Continue to love them and cherish them but live a life they would be proud of.
Put one foot in front of the other and start healing.
Be as strong as you can be.
And it's always ok to ask for help.
One day it will be better.
One day you will be ok.
One day.

Shit. Fuck. Damn it.

"Speak when angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" -Ambrose.

Anger.
To me, it's all consuming.
I don't just get me I immediately fly into a full on rage.
Its uncontrollable.
I want to hit things.
Hit someone's jaw.
Break shit.

I see red.
Like a bull in a China shop.
Everything is in my way and can be destroyed.
Fuck with me when I'm angry and you'll regret it.
Or I will.
I do dumb shit when I'm pissed.
I do before I think.
I break before I think.
I scream before I think.
My actions and words work before my brain has a chance to catch up.

When I'm angry, everything makes me infuriated.
Immediately.
All I want to do is scream, yell, destroy.
Scream out every curse word until I lose my voice.
And I have no idea how to stop it...

Life.

There are so many self-help books on the subject.
But none of them can really prepare you for when something bad happens.
None of them can prepare you for your specific reaction.
Or your specific feelings.

Some people, when something bad happens, they get so down on themselves.
They tear themselves down.
They go straight to the negative.
They forget to loom at the good things that happen everyday.
They forget that we are given these trials because we can handle them.
We can.
We can get past them.
We can and we will move on to bigger and better things.
But no one will ever get to those bigger and better things if you sit there rolling in the negative.
It will hold you back.

You may not be okay now but daily you are given okay things to remind you that in the end everything will always be alright.
Just believe in yourself.

Quiet Desperation

Searching.
Always searching.

It seems something is missing and it's right there at the tip of my fingers but it keeps slipping, slipping away.
My fingers must covered in butter because I can't hold on to anything. It. Whatever is missing.

Curiosity. Curious about everything. Interesting. Everything is so damn interesting.

Why can't I find what I'm searching for?
Why can't I figure out what I'm missing?

Everyday the desperation gets stronger and stronger.
Running. Barreling through me like a stampede. Crashing into the deep recesses of my mind. Tearing apart everything I do. Everything I think.

How can I stop it from ripping me apart from the inside out?

Matthew.

It's been almost 5 years since I agreed to go out with you. It's been almost a year since I agreed to marry you.
This relationship has not been easy. Filled with high highs and low lows. Ups downs twists and turns.
Some things I know we wished wouldn't have happened but we can't change them now.
So much has happened that was designed to tear us apart....and yet here we are still together, still going strong.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, especially lately, but you are the one person in this world I know I can always count on.
You are the one person I can bare my heart and soul to.
You are the one person I can be completely honest with.
You are the one person who is always on my mind.
I'll always need you. I'll always need you by my side. I'll always need your shoulder to lean on. I'll always need your hand to hold. I'll always need your arms around me. I'll always need your words. I'll always need your ears to listen. I'll always need you.
I would never and could never replace you. No matter who comes in and out of my life, you are it for me. You are everything I need and always will be.
I know sometimes I don't show it and sometimes I'm mean and crazy, but I love you more than life itself.
I always have and I always will.
This year has been the hardest most painful year of my life. I could never have gotten this far without you. Theres so much emotion swirling through me that I can't sort any of it out. I act out. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't know how to handle what I'm going through. I need you by my side to help me though it. You help stabilize me. Sometimes haha.
When I said yes, I agreed to give you all of me, and I have. And that will never change. No matter what.
I love you.
Forever and always.

Down the Rabbit Hole.

Worthless.
Pathectic.
Not enough.
Nothing...

At least half the time that's exactly how I feel about myself lately...

There are moments of happiness followed by moments of self doubt.
The more I try to build myself the harder it becomes to stay that high.
Constanlty being knocked down.
I'm plagued by horrible thoughts and doubt and regrets.
It seems nothing can keep my up.
I'm spiraling further and further down.
So much weight on my shoulders.
A million pounds.
I'm trapped under it.

I love my fiance and my friends and,I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are there for me when I need them.
And yet it doesn't seem like it's enough.

I can't get out.

Neurotic.

Yep. That's me.
It amazes me how quickly my moods can change(it's no picnic for my fiance either, poor guy).
One minute I love every one and everything and life is amazing and then BAM!!!!
Next minute I literally want to punch everyone in the face.
Or cry.
Depends on the day. 
I'm crazy and neurotic. That's that. 
I always seem to come up the worst case scenario when I'm in the anger phase. My boyfriend is cheating on me. Someone committed suicide or got in a fatal accident. 
Or I just want to hug every one and tell them how much I love them. All these moods in me all the time flipping back and forth from one to the other in a matter of seconds. 
Let me tell you, it's exhausting. I feel like I ran a marathon, when in reality it was all in my head. 
And I have no idea how to stop it.
Am I bipolar? Maybe I'm just crazy....
Who knows, but...
What the hell is wrong with me?

Quarter Life Crisis

Yep. Pretty that's what I'm going though right now.
I'm 26. I work over 40 hours a week for just over $10 an hour. I make just enough money to cover my gas and monthly bills, with about $3 left over. I'm getting married next year and I would love to move into our own place. Right now we are staying at his parents house. But I can't afford it and he works construction, so some weeks he doesn't have work. I'm buying my car. That's about all I have to show for all the work I do.
Doesn't that just suck? I have no idea what I would like to do with my life. I didn't finish college because it got too expensive and now I have student loans I can't pay for.
I'm stuck. In a rut. With no way out.
I need to figure out what my ladder is so I climb out of this successful.

Whose court is the ball actually in?

You know how sometimes you get so desperate and impatient for something to happen that you push and push and push hoping it will speed things along?
Maybe it's just me, i don't know.
But the end result of my pushing usually always turns out badly.
You'd think I would have learned from my mistakes by now, but sadly I have not.

In a perfect world this would be sorted out by now and things would be awesome.
Yeah...it's not a perfect world.
So instead here I sit in the backlash of my mistakes wondering how I can turn it back around in my favor.

I wanted so badly for things to work out that I forced myself on someone I haven't talked to in 4 years and I'm pretty sure all I did was freak him out. Go me.

Now I get to sit here and wait. Wait to see if me coming back was the right thing or if all he is doing is sitting there laughing at me saying, "Haha yeah right, like I would ever be friends with you again. Pyscho."

I've put myself out there and that was hard. Now there's no response and I have no idea if I'm being tested or if this really isn't going to work out.

Is the ball still in my court? Or does he having it dangling over my head like a guillotine ready to chop my head off? 

The Demise of My Words

Sometimes holding back what I need to say is for the best.
Does it mean I want to?
No.
Does it mean I like it?
Hell no.
But to spare people's feelings sometimes it's better.
I would much rather just avoid that fight.

But sitting there listening to the things she says about him and their situation makes me so angry i just want to grab her and shake and scream in her face "JUST SEND IN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!"
I know she would never listen to me though. No one does, even when all I want is what is going to be best for them in the long run.

He hit me twice. He headbutted her in the eye. They are still married. He lives across the country now as of last month. Doesn't that seem a bit twisted? Sure does to me.

I know the only reason she has not sent in the papers is because of the vow she made to God. Which I completely understand. But now they are living separate lives in separate states. They are free to see other people. Try to figure themselves out again. Even though, if they were to get back together it would be a loveless marriage. Sure they love each other. They were together over 4 years, but there is too much animosity between them now. Too much resentment. Too much anger. She's too free-spirited and hes too controlling. Even now he is still trying to tell her who she can and can't see. He wants to speak to her everyday like they are still together.

A recovering, abusive alcoholic. He went to rehab after he was arrested for hurting her and all he did was trade alcohol for pills. Then after rehab he traded it for other stuff. He needs a crutch or he can't stand on his own. She is one of his crutches. It's never ending. His attitude too. Oh man...hes prideful, competitive, has to be the best at everything, and has to prove himself to all the other men. Why? Who knows. Compensation, maybe.

I've only seen him twice since last November and in those times I have not seen a change in him. There is so much I know, so much I've seen that she knows nothing about or doesn't believe. I've seen the worst sides of the sober him. He is not good for her at all. I wish she could see that she deserves so much more than being stuck in a marriage without the actual marriage part. She's beautiful and amazing and she deserves a guy who will treat her like a queen. Let her be independent. Go hiking with her. Take care of her. She deserves all that and more.

But to save our friendship, I have to keep quiet even though that is the last thing I want to do.

And the worst part is that he is my fiance's best friend.

Faults and Insecurities.

I'm not perfect.
No one is.
Not even the people who think and act like they are.
We're all human, we all make mistakes, we have have things that bother us.
Like me, for example, I'm an incredibly jealous person when it comes to my fiance. I didn't used to be before him, but now, oh man girls better watch it. I've let this insecurity get into my head and manipulate my thoughts to the point where it shows in our relationship. And that's not right. That's something I have to work on.
I'm opinionated, I like things I want them and get irritated when someone tries to help me. I care way too much about people, even, people who could drop me like yesterday's news and walk away without a glance back. I'm broken hearted and loving. I tend to st walked all over because I just want to help everyone and I want everyone to be happy.
I have a funny nose. Its got a bump in the bridge. I try not to look too hard at it. I'm gaining weight. My 26 year old body can't handle the junk foods I ate as a teenager. I actually have to work out now. It's so much work.
I have 4 tattoos. I don't think any one of them is perfect and guess what? I don't care. I didn't get them to have them be perfect, I got them to tell a story, an imperfect story.
Embrace your insecurities and faults but don't let them define you. Don't let them make you bitter and angry or become a pompous asshole. Let them make you stronger. Let them make you into the person you want to be. Let them be yout motivation to be an amazing person who does amazing things. Because in the end your insecurities and faults aren't going to matter. You can't take then with you when you die. You can't take your body with you. It all stays here buried in the ground.
Make a mark on this earth before you leave it.

I'm not okay.

One thing I've noticed about grief is that everyone experiences it differently.
My dad passed away of liver failure on August 14th of this year.
My parents were married 27 years.
My mom and I are kind of the same in our grief. We carry it all inside because we don't want to burden people. But she still cries every night when she's alone.
My sister on the other hand had to take time off work because she kept breaking down at work.
I drink more than I used to. I don't get drunk every night or even once a month but I'll have a beer or two. I tear up at work almost everyday because I have too much time alone to think.
But I don't say this to people.
I don't tell them that thinking about my dad being gone I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe. I fill my days with too many distractions so I dint have to think.
I can never get anything done because I get too discouraged before the end of the project.
Except laundry, suddenly I've become very good at doing my laundry.
But how do I get over my grief?
Not really something anyone can answer...
Because you never get over it...eventually it just gets a little easier to get through each day.

Weddings.

I'm getting married.

It's a scary yet thrilling thought.

I have been thinking about my wedding since I was a little girl.

I had everything planned out. It was going to be huge and beautiful.

But now...

Everything has changed. A big wedding no longer seems important. And who the hell is going to walk me down the aisle???

With my dad gone all I want is the people closest to me there because no one else really matters. The wedding isn't for them. Its for me and Matt.

I'm going to disappoint a lot of people that want to be there but screw them I'm doing this the way I want with the people I want.

Not having my dad there to walk me down the aisle has discouraged me to a point where I just don't care about what people think about it anymore. Besides I'll have a reception for the rest if them.

But now planning it....that's an even harder topic to think about...I,know it needs to happen soon so we can plan a budget and save but...I'm still not,over the death of my dad...and every time I think about planning...I can't breathe...

Soon, hopefully soon, I'll be able to think about it without wanting to break down...

Because I love Matthew with all my heart and planning this day for us means the world to me.

Insanity.

I've gone insane. Or at least that's what it feels like. Nothing feels right or real anymore. I've become desperate for things I have no control over. My mind is constantly screaming at me that I'm an idiot. I don't deserve anyone or anything.  Or everything seems small and insignificant. Its like my brain has permanent pms. I don't know how to stop it. Its growing and growing. Its grabbed hold of my fragile mind and it's being twisted and transformed into something ugly and disgusting. I fear it will eat me whole.